Okay, back again, for a little while. I might be gone after this, for real, or I might return, I just don't know... It really sucks when you share everything with your friends, both on- and offline and in the end you find out things they've stopped have restarted elsewhere. Just found out such a thing while searching the web. Might also explain the difficulties in communication lately. Being ignored, receiving no replies, on- and offline trouble as well.
Bizarre, how feelings can make you continue things that will eventually hurt you. But hey, I can still mean something to them by ignoring myself, ignoring the fact this keeps hurting so bad and just by being there, listening, giving advice. Trying to prevent happening to them what they did/happened to me.
Worst of all, my birthday is tomorrow. And yes, it'll be a disaster. For the first time in 26 years bad weather is expected. Like 20% chance of some sunshine and 90% rain.... To add a little insult to injury, nor birthdaycards have arrived today, absolutely none. Yes my birthday is tomorrow, but come on, no mail on sunday. Ah yess, let's add a little something to that. Quite a number of people have canceled, so I've got far too much wine, soda, beer, chips, olives, toast, cheeses, everything. And finally yay, my sister won't be coming to my birthday, again.... The distance from there to here is supposed to be to big. But hey? Didn't I travel to her place? Yup, 3 hours by train, but I did it and will keep doing it. I was expecting her to come, but only heard she wasn't coming via some indirect way a few hours ago.
So yes, life is 'great' especially when there are people around you who notice things are not so ok, who migt try sending a little energy and support your way instead of the other way round. If I could only go to sleep tongiht, and not wake up. Lie just the way that fly did in the food I ordered today (after which I threw all of it away, so I haven't eaten anything as well...) Just be found cold. Some people will be here tomorrow so it won't be a big thing to find someone who will take care of the cats/notice I'm gone. They're my biggest worry, what if I'm gone, just poof, never wake up. Who will take care of them, and the people I took care of?