Okay, back again, for a little while. I might be gone after this, for real, or I might return, I just don't know... It really sucks when you share everything with your friends, both on- and offline and in the end you find out things they've stopped have restarted elsewhere. Just found out such a thing while searching the web. Might also explain the difficulties in communication lately. Being ignored, receiving no replies, on- and offline trouble as well.
Bizarre, how feelings can make you continue things that will eventually hurt you. But hey, I can still mean something to them by ignoring myself, ignoring the fact this keeps hurting so bad and just by being there, listening, giving advice. Trying to prevent happening to them what they did/happened to me.
Worst of all, my birthday is tomorrow. And yes, it'll be a disaster. For the first time in 26 years bad weather is expected. Like 20% chance of some sunshine and 90% rain.... To add a little insult to injury, nor birthdaycards have arrived today, absolutely none. Yes my birthday is tomorrow, but come on, no mail on sunday. Ah yess, let's add a little something to that. Quite a number of people have canceled, so I've got far too much wine, soda, beer, chips, olives, toast, cheeses, everything. And finally yay, my sister won't be coming to my birthday, again.... The distance from there to here is supposed to be to big. But hey? Didn't I travel to her place? Yup, 3 hours by train, but I did it and will keep doing it. I was expecting her to come, but only heard she wasn't coming via some indirect way a few hours ago.
So yes, life is 'great' especially when there are people around you who notice things are not so ok, who migt try sending a little energy and support your way instead of the other way round. If I could only go to sleep tongiht, and not wake up. Lie just the way that fly did in the food I ordered today (after which I threw all of it away, so I haven't eaten anything as well...) Just be found cold. Some people will be here tomorrow so it won't be a big thing to find someone who will take care of the cats/notice I'm gone. They're my biggest worry, what if I'm gone, just poof, never wake up. Who will take care of them, and the people I took care of?

I can write a whole story here, but this note is for me, so I can recall this. Last night a very good conversation about input and output not being in balance. Putting in a lot of resources has resulted and , *sigh, will result in almost no output. Energizing the one while draining the other. But as long as there's no other to place or put the resources in, or as long as one is foolish enough to believe that hings can be, or will become, this game will continue. Which makes one realize, why, why, not just put an end to this? Something to which there is, for the moment, no answer, at least, no I don't have it, but this cannot continue. I've thought of this more often, but someone confirmed this, told me exactly the same story, about how hard it is to let someone go a little because it will never, never, never be. I'm curious though, am I the only one playing this, game, or are two involved and is someone playing with me? That would be harsh, but is not unlikely...

This evening I started thinking a little, sometimes you get wound up in your thoughts for a day, a week, a month, maybe even a year. Last week I've dreamt a lot, argued with myself, pondered about the future and more. One of the things that came up was the immense amount of online communities we're all participating in. Yes, life has gotten busier, yes we do have less time to spend on work, but that's only because we're spending a lot of our free time at things we're doing voluntarily at first, but those things change to a requirement after a while. For example: joining a few dozen communities may seem nice at first, since you meet people, which is extraordinary in this individualistic society. On the other hand, all those communities put pressure upon you, you NEED to go online and keep in touch with your newly found friends to ensure they don't feel neglected, to keep up with their journals, postings, music choices, whatsoever.
But this is not one-way traffic. Since you are contributing a lot at a few communities you start to expect something in returrn. You start to expect to see people online, to keep in touh since you try to keep in touch. But everytime you're online they're not and, probably, the other way around. So you start to feel neglected and put in a lot of your time, being online, waiting for your 'friends' to get online too, but they don't. It's just one step away from feeling neglected. So feeling sorry for yourself you decide to not be online as much, resulting in all the people you expected to be online, in feeling the way you did, or still do.
So is this just something brewing in my mind, or do we really create online communities which don't really differ from real life? The only difference is that when those friends do get online,e verything is OK all of a sudden. Try to ignore your reallife friends for a few days and they'll be mad as hell or, even worse, 'disappointed'. But hey, this is the virtual world. You just get online whenever you want, wherever you want. And when you get online and see someone you haven't spoken to in a few days, weeks, months, everything is ok. That's the big difference. So do we need to expect less from our online friends? Do the unwritten rules for friendship not apply to virtual contacts?
Am i just a litle frustrated, or do I have a point? And why, WHY am I also starting to behave like that...?

It's been quite a while since my last update. 10 weeks of hard work, average 45 hours on my internship plus 20hours it-work has realle had it's impact. So time to relax this weekend. I've got some film laying around here that needs to be developped and, uploaded. So in the coming weeks some new stuff will arrive. For now I'm going to upload a new devid. But I'm still here ppl!

Finally, some rest. The first week of my internship was quite an experience. Worked 45, instead of 40, hours, had ceollege, and worked saturday, so consider me dead. Finished all darn chores now, so time to relax, time to browse devart